Relationships · Self-discovery

On behalf of the girl who grew up more in months than in years, thanks to you

Beirut, 2018

You’re not made for each other. If you were, then she wouldn’t feel like you’re not.

She gave you everything she could possibly give in the time you knew each other.

She messed up so many times in such a short period of time, but it was all for her own good. She’s aware that her mess-ups were of no benefit to you, and this is why she would like to thank you.

It’s because you gave her the space that she deeply needed to date someone, to make mistakes and be herself, unapologetically.

She would have never asked for anything more from you.

We all define love differently. We define love the way we’ve experienced it. And the two of you could not have had more polarized experiences.

That’s why she accepted everything you said and did. She absorbed all your hidden hurt, frustration and disappointment. She made it all her own. But you weren’t there to do the same for her.

You always thought you had enough to cover for the both of you. But that left her emptier than she was before you.

She’d like to thank you, regardless.

You taught her that sometimes we fill a void with new travels, new friends, and maybe new love. But no matter what we try to fill it with, it’s still a void. And it will cease to be only if we fill it with acceptance.

Acceptance that: this too shall pass.

She would never blame this lost opportunity on time, place, or any circumstance. You just happened to find temporary comfort in each other’s presence, even if just for a little while.

It was a presence that she tried so hard to surround you with, to keep you secure and happy. But it gets more and more difficult to keep it up when it’s not reciprocated.

She needed to be surrounded as well. But the more she preoccupied herself with you, the less time she had for herself.

She doesn’t blame you for not taking her in with all her flaws. You made it clear from day one that you only wanted all that’s positive in her.

That’s what she gave you. All the good and very occasionally a glimpse of the bad.

You disregarded her need for reassurance and compassion. You were in no position to give any of that to anyone. You had enough to deal with internally and you needed everything else to be perfect.

But this is why it’s not because of time, place, or anything else. It’s because she’s not perfect and she never intends on being.

She’s not all sunshine. And you’re not capable of putting up with her rain.

But she thanks you, regardless.

With you, she learned that the next person will have to absorb the way she defines love as much as she will absorb their definition.

Because loving someone new means loving everything they’ve been through.

What makes us human is that we don’t have a reset button. We are the full package: past, present, and future.

She thanks you for not falling in love.

But also thanks you for not falling in lust, either.

You were the perfect balance of a good conversation and romantic getaway.

But that’s not enough, it’ll never be enough for her. She’s more than words, cozy nights in, and manic laughs. She’s also deep wounds, healing processes, faith and silence.

She thanks you for not taking her as a whole. Because now she knows that she needs to do that for herself first before she expects anyone else to.

She thanks you for putting on the careless, spontaneous face all along.

You made her grow more in months than she has grown in years.

All she can hope for is that she’s done the same for you in any small, resonant way.

Because you deserve it. You’re worthy of all good and that’s not arguable. But so is she and that’s why she needed back what she gave you.

Not physically, not mentally. Just emotionally. The unspoken care and less of the “whatever” attitude. Because that’s not what she thought of you.

She thanks you, regardless.

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