There are three people you meet that shape the way you deal with relationships for the rest of your life.
If you’re lucky enough, you’ve met them all and if you’re aware enough, you’ve learned the lesson each one tried to teach you.
It’s not scientifically proven. It’s no theory.
Truth be told, it’s a notion my best friend and I came up with one night to try and simplify our love lives.
To break a love life down to numbers. To a simple calculation. A check list.
See, you might have met them all in one person, or none at all. And it may sound absurd but it’s worth considering.
The first person you meet comes at a time when you’re growing into the person you think you’re going to be for the rest of your life.
They’re the person who make your teenage years feel like you’re either floating in the air or buried in a pit hole. Sometimes, both at once.
This is the person who you grow with. The person whom your happiness depends on.
They’re the one you feel crazy about, in the literal sense.
The loud fights, the deep secrets, the first-everything memories, and the one who made you feel like the world ended as soon as they walked out.
This was the person who taught you the dangers of love. Depending on this specific experience, the height of your guard is now defined.
There was plenty of wallowing, sadness, an endless show of insecurities and self-blaming.
This was the person who you poured all your love into that you left yourself with none.
If you’re lucky enough, you grew to realize this early on and if you’re part of the 99% unfortunate club, then it took you a few more experiences to lead you to the second person.
You’re now vulnerable yet guarded, caring yet holding back emotions, loving yet scared, and hurt yet pushing forward.
You are full of contradictions and not fully at peace with who you’re becoming.
The person you thought you were turning into isn’t really the person you want to be and it has taken longer than you’ve expected.
You think that just because your twenties have started, you are now obliged to embody your forever persona.
Little do you know that you’re shedding characters by the day.
There’s no graveyard big enough to host all the different personalities you’re about to bury as life goes on.
But you’re convinced that the person full of contradictions who you’ve become is a permanent cloak.
Therefore, when you meet the second person you’re meant to fall in love with, this is exactly what you will project onto the relationship.
You are trying to change this person to look more like you despite not knowing who you are. You lead them in one direction then pull away in the other.
You’re fighting to be heard but you’re not speaking. You’re loving with all you have but you feel like an empty vessel.
This is the second person you fall in love with.
He’s the person who you hurt the most in the name of love and commitment. But no such things exist at this point because you haven’t found them in yourself.
This person thinks they are loving you for who you are because this is what you demand.
You demand to be loved with all your madness and that is exactly what they give you.
They stick to you through it all and you both blend into a body of confusion.
The two of you are very much aware of this confusion but you think this is what it means to be in love.
Love, now, feels like being lost.
You actively feel that you’re growing up. Maturing.
Little by little, you realize that many decisions you made weren’t for the best. That the love and commitment you’ve been giving is not the kind of love and commitment you want to give forever.
This person starts turning into a lesson rather than a lover.
They are not the person you can imagine yourself with. You do not build each other up, you just keep each other where you are and that was okay for a while, but the more you grow, the more you become thirsty for what’s next.
And they are not in that picture.
If you’re lucky enough, you start to love yourself for all these realizations. If you’re aware enough, you begin understanding that your choices matter and the way you act or react has consequences.
Now and only now will life grant you the opportunity of meeting a third person.
Some people get stuck with their second person for life, molding them and re-molding them into what they want them to become.
But you’ve made it this far.
You’ve met or you are about to meet your third person and it will be glorious.
This is the person you crash into without any prior notice.
You will grow to appreciate every fiber of this person’s being because you know what a struggle it was for you to get here as well.
This is the person you learn to argue quietly with.
You are still demanding to be heard, but now you have something to say and you can say it clearly.
This is the person who disabuses all your previous thoughts on love.
There is no changing someone, there is no molding someone, and there is no becoming one.
You are two people and that’s how you will stay. The only difference is that you learn to live as one without ever becoming it.
The two of you have the upmost respect for each other’s ambitions and dreams. There isn’t one person being the respected and the other one cheering on.
It’s a partnership. A partnership in every aspect of your lives, be it careers, family, or home.
You are equally able to discuss your dreams and day-to-day lives.
Debating the wonders of the universe and where to have dinner.
You work on building a friendship. Not because you don’t want to lose them when they’re not your lover anymore.
But because this is the first person you can truly envision spending your life with and you know that when the passion fades, the friendship you build early on will last forever.
You know that someday, what the two of you have might turn into companionship.
The two of you do not impose change on one another. In fact, you challenge each other to stick to who you are but realize when you’re wrong.
This is the only person in the world who you experience the unconditionality of love with.
Their smile is your smile, and their tears are your tears despite you remaining the independent people you’ve grown into.
You want to see them happy and you want to be there for every moment that marks their life.
Now, you have enough self-love to be able to give your all to someone without losing yourself.
While the second person was the lover who turned into a lesson.
This person is the lesson which turned into a lover.
Now, you know that love is about being found, not being lost.
It’s the feeling of an instant home that you find in someone’s eyes with all their imperfections.
It’s waking up and choosing this person over and over again every day.