Boundless Entries

I wake up to a familiar ceiling.

The sheets are heavy but not heavy enough to bury this feeling.

5-4-3-2-1 – they say. In all the brochures.

5 things you see. 4 things you feel. 3 things you hear. 2 things you smell. 1 thing you taste.

Isn’t that how we’re taught to regulate? Emotionally?

—

What if all you see, feel, hear, smell and taste is despair.

I hate this place.

—

The rage inside is not brewing quickly enough to spill over.

It simmers down the second it reaches the tip.

There is never any relief. Always feeling the build up but never the release.

—

How do you carry on like this?

With no room to let go? Or just be?

To splatter who you really are in this moment all over everything around you?

And deal with all the consequences later.

—

5-4-3-2-1.

But what if all your senses are tarnished with fear?

Fear to feel and fear to deal with what you feel.

Because there is no room for it.

Because you are needed. You are constantly needed. Round the clock.

You can’t live for you. You can’t break down and allow yourself a slow rebuilding effort.

You must stay intact.

No matter how scalding hot your burn inside.

You can burn. But never burn out.

—

It can happen. But it can’t last.

Because you’re needed.

Even if you’re tired of feeling needed.

Your responsibilities run deeper than this body and soul.

They extend beyond.

No matter how stretched you are.

There is no returning to original form.

No matter how thin the threads.

—

Your patience.

Your emotions.

Your mental load.

Are expected to stretch beyond comprehension. A continuous test of expansion.

But the outside world should only ever see the rubberband.

Not how hard it is working.

The shape doesn’t matter. As long as it’s holding everything together.

—

Breaking is not an option. Or else you risk losing purpose.

Wake up and be the good mom. The good partner.

Wake up and be happy. Be joyful.

Wake up with a smile.

Wake up.

Even if you haven’t really slept at all.

—